֍ 68 ֍ Foreign Policy βÎŦȻⒽ • An Allegory
Domestic Entity • “Thank you for meeting me in private. I work for my country’s Committee for International Assets.”
Foreign Entity • “It’s a pleasure to meet you. What can I do for you?”
Domestic Entity • “Based on our intelligence, we have identified your country as a strategic territory, and we’ve come to the determination that it’s in our best interest that you become our bitch.”
Foreign Entity • “Excuse me?”
Domestic Entity • “I think you heard me. We need your country to be our bitch.”
Foreign Entity • “I don’t think so. This discussion is grossly inappropriate. You should consider respecting our national sovereignty.”
Domestic Entity • “I don’t think you understand me. If you don’t become our bitch then you’ll be labeled as ‘problem’. Your trade with us will be severely restricted, unless of course we need your stuff,… like oil, and… well… [Domestic Entity raises his index finger as if to gesture a pause, cups his ear. A few seconds pass. OK, it’s oil… We need your oil.”
Foreign Entity • “We’re happy to trade with you under the auspices of international law and mutual trust and respect. By the way, you might also want to refresh your knowledge on the UN Charter for Human Rights.”
Domestic Entity • “That doesn’t work for us. Our foreign policy requires that you become our bitch. We really need that. Why are you being so difficult?”
Foreign Entity • “With all due respect, we should discuss relations between our two countries with decorum and in the spirit of shared interests.”
Domestic Entity • “What?! Don’t you realize that we can crush you in 24 hours if we wanted to? Are you aware of how powerful we are? We’re the biggest and most successful country in the world. You really should do your homework.”
Foreign Entity • “I think we should focus on the core issues we face between our two nations, and in parallel, build a lasting and fruitful relationship where both our nations benefit.”
Domestic Entity • “Jesus Christ, man! You’re not listening. Aren’t you aware of all the countries that have become our bitches. I could show you the list… It’s really long. [Domestic Entity cups ear and speaks into his wrist] Get me the bitch list, stat. [Turns back to Foreign Entity] We’ve been working really hard at building our bitch list for decades, and it has spilled a lot of blood, sweat, and tears. Actually, their blood, sweat, and tears… of the bitches… Anyway, you get the point.”
Foreign Entity • “We’re not going to bend the knee just because you’re threatening us!”
Domestic Entity • “Don’t be an asshole! We’ll sanction your ass for eternity if you don’t capitulate!”
Foreign Entity • “So you’re threatening us because we won’t comply with your demands? Your hegemonic tone is completely inappropriate. Besides, you’re running a trade deficit with us. Do you really believe that sanctioning us is in your best interest?”
Domestic Entity • “Dude, get serious! Look at all the countries that went to shit because we buried their economy. [Domestic Entity cups ear and speaks into his wrist] Get me the ‘TBD Bitch List’, stat! [Turns back to Foreign Entity] This is not a bilateral discussion. For god’s sake, we’re the world police! You need to get with the program. I’m telling you what to do – We’re not asking. Look, we can make your family rich. Don’t you want to be rich and powerful?”
Foreign Entity • “We prefer to discuss the terms of engagement where we retain our dignity and honor. Our responsibility is to my people. When my citizens are happy, then our nation becomes collectively prosperous.”
Domestic Entity • “What the fuck’s wrong with you?! Stop talking to me like you’re doing a press conference! We don’t give a shit about your people. It’s much simpler if we just make you rich. We’ll give you a Swiss bank account and other cool stuff. That’s good, right? What do you say?”
Foreign Entity • “I think we’re done here.” [Foreign Entity turns and walks away].
Domestic Entity • “Don’t you dare walk away from me! Hey!? Did you hear me? Fucking BITCH!” [Domestic Entity turns and gestures to seemingly no one, shakes his head, and makes a cut-throat gesture].
With all due respect, we should discuss relations between our two countries with decorum and in the spirit of shared interests.
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foreign policy satire, political allegory, geopolitical satire, international relations, global politics, world politics, political commentary, diplomacy and conflict, economic sanctions, trade war, national sovereignty, global hegemony, imperialism critique, power and politics, political humor, satire article, controversial political writing, Gabriel Dusil, Gabriel Dusil Blog, Gabriel Dusil Article
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